I have gone over the chapter I have written about my parents role in my illness and recovery. I have also spoken to a close friend in Edmonton whose mother is very good friends with mine. Her advice echoed my sister-in-law's. "Don't try to start a relationship, you'll just be disappointed." Next I called my friend whose husband and mine have been best friends since they were 12 years old. This woman, even though she is in her mid-forties, is probably one of the wisest people I know. She says, "Fuck the email. Call her. Try to establish a relationship with her again. Because I know you. I know you think about your parents a lot. It is also an excellent example for your kids. They will see that you are the bigger person, that, no matter what, family is family." This advice I find very difficult to take. First of all, my kids have grown up in a family that is now 21 people. But when they were growing up, there were 7 cousins, 3 sets of uncles and aunties and their grandparents. We eat together at least once a week. As they were growing up, before they started going to university (the eldest is 31 now and my daughter, at 19 is the youngest) we rented a cottage for the last two weeks in August. A huge cottage where we all lived together. The kids did everything together. As they got older we rented 2 smaller cottages, one for the adults and one for them. If one of the kids was mis-behaving and neither of his or her parents were there at the moment, an auntie or an uncle had every right to punish them. As we ate every meal together for 14 days, sometimes one of the kids or one of us would bring up something we were struggling with. Whether it was being nervous about going to high school or one of us starting a new job, opinions were sought at that table.
Today, two of my nephews are married and I am also proud to be a great aunt our first great-grandchild. My kids are the youngest but they come home from school at random, just so that they can go to their grandmother's house for a meal because they knew that is where their cousins will be. My daughter is coming home in three weeks for a visit. She's actually coming home a day early so that she can take her baby cousin to her music class. So what I'm trying to get at here is my kids know the meaning of family. Me trying to rectify things with my own mother won't change that.
