Too long

I am ashamed to see that I have not written anything here in a long time.  I am currently working on an article for The National Post (Canada's most widely circulated paper) about our health care system.  Our American cousins always comment on the free health care we enjoy here in Canada.  Well, nothing is free.  Our taxes are extremely high.  Plus, if you need to see a specialist or require a test such as an MRI or CT scan be prepared to wait at least three months. I recently had a doctor's appointment that lasted less than two minutes and could have easily been done over the phone but he brought me in. Why, you ask? So he could bill our government for the visit.  Anyway, I'm not gong to re-write my entire article here but it centres on our health care system and the additional strain it will be under once the Syrian refugees reach our borders.  I am not against allowing the refugees in, but they are being received in both Toronto and Montreal.  Our major airport is even undergoing a renovation in one of it's terminals to welcome them!  Guess who's paying for that?  Yes, welcome Syrians but please relocate them to a small city or province.  Toronto can't take it anymore.

Still the hardest chapter

I have gone over the chapter I have written about my parents role in my illness and recovery.  I have also spoken to a close friend in Edmonton whose mother is very good friends with mine.  Her advice echoed my sister-in-law's. "Don't try to start a relationship, you'll just be disappointed." Next I called my friend whose husband and mine have been best friends since they were 12 years old.  This woman, even though she is in her mid-forties, is probably one of the wisest people I know.  She says, "Fuck the email. Call her. Try to establish a relationship with her again. Because I know you. I know you think about your parents a lot.  It is also an excellent example for your kids. They will see that you are the bigger person, that, no matter what, family is family."  This advice I find very difficult to take.  First of all, my kids have grown up in a family that is now 21 people.  But when they were growing up, there were 7 cousins, 3 sets of uncles and aunties and their grandparents.  We eat together at least once a week. As they were growing up, before they started going to university (the eldest is 31 now and my daughter, at 19 is the youngest) we rented a cottage for the last two weeks in August.  A huge cottage where we all lived together. The kids did everything together.  As they got older we rented 2 smaller cottages, one for the adults and one for them.  If one of the kids was mis-behaving and neither of his or her parents were there at the moment, an auntie or an uncle had every right to punish them.  As we ate every meal together for 14 days, sometimes one of the kids or one of us would bring up something we were struggling with. Whether it was being nervous about going to high school or one of us starting a new job, opinions were sought at that table.

Today, two of my nephews are married and I am also proud to be a great aunt our first great-grandchild. My kids are the youngest but they come home from school at random, just so that they can go to their grandmother's house for a meal because they knew that is where their cousins will be.  My daughter is coming home in three weeks for a visit.  She's actually coming home a day early so that she can take her baby cousin to her music class.  So what I'm trying to get at here is my kids know the meaning of family.  Me trying to rectify things with my own mother won't change that.

The hardest chapter so far

I have been working on my book steadily and just completed what was the most difficult chapter thus far.  It's about my parents' role in my illness.  I don't want to give away too much but suffice it to say that they essentially abandoned me two years before my surgery.  I need to back and add more to it but to tell you the truth, I am dreading it.  I got my mother's current email address from my brother recently but have done nothing with it.  Should I just warn her that I am writing this memoir and she and my father don't come off looking well, to say the least.  Or do I want to re-establish a relationship with her?  I speak mostly of my mother because I don't think my father wipes his ass without her permission.  I want to talk to my brother more about this before I email her but when I sat down with my sister-in-law (who is more like a sister) she told me that if I do decide to try to re-establish a relationship with her I will probably, at the very least, be disappointed by her sometime in the future. But her true feelings are that my parents are not worth it, that their behaviour was disgusting. And this comes from a woman who never stays angry with anyone. Ever.  The fact remains that scarcely a day goes by that I don't think about my mother.  The fact that I am sad that we don't have a relationship and that she wasn't there to see my kids grow up.  I also have a few choice words for her that have nothing to do with me but reiterate her character.  Do I include that as well?  Right now I just don't know.

I am very embarrassed that it's been so long since I've written here.  It's kind of been one thing after another.  Jewish Holidays, a bout of the flu.  Also just plain laziness.  The other night my husband and I were lying in bed, it was about 2:30 in the morning and neither of us could sleep.  He whispered to me "I hate this.  No kids in the house.  It's too quiet." The funny part is he is whispering this to me even though we are the only two people in the house.  There must be something about being in the dark that makes us whisper.  "I didn't like it last year and I like it even less this year."  Maybe that's part of my issue as well.

Also, too much time feeling sorry for myself as I can't get past the chapter it's time to write about my parents.  Everyone thinks that because it's been 17 years since we've spoken that I'm over it but it's not true.  I think about my mother every day.  I'm going to try to write this afternoon.  Let's hope I'm telling you the truth.

Back to school!

First of all, I am proud to say that I have completed the first third (or so) of my book and am actively seeking an agent.  (If you are an agent reading this, please contact me!)

My kids are all done with their summer jobs and back at home for a few days before they go back to their respective schools.  Their stuff is everywhere and my OCD is flaring up but I'm trying to keep it under control and not be a nag. After all, once they leave I will miss this chaos (?).  I will go back to seriously focusing on my writing after the Labour Day weekend.  I have set deadlines for myself in the past but that doesn't seem to work for me.  However, if someone is expecting a piece from me that is a deadline that I always meet.

So amidst the sadness that I know I will feel once the kids the kids are gone, tied with the happiness that they are where they need to be and pursuing what they want out of life, my time will be spent fulfilling my own dream of becoming a published writer.

Cheers!

Looking at fall

I can't believe we are nearly in the middle of August.  This summer has gone by so fast.  And I have not written nearly as much as I planned to of my Memoir.  Once the kids go back to school I will have to become more disiplined ( definitely spelt that wrong)  .  I need to schedule a couple of hours into every day devoted to writing.  I have to get back to exercising and try to make more time for my friends.

I have always felt like fall, going back to school, is the beginning of a new year.  Could be because that is when we Jews celebrate our New Year.  I do "fall cleaning" and set goals.  I have learned not to set too many because there is no way I'm going to get to them all.  Maybe writing them here for all to see will make me become more motivated.

My life with teenagers and other stuff

So I have the opportunity to write a blog about raising teenagers for a "Mommy site".  My husband told me to ask if they minded before I went ahead (something that didn't even cross my mind).  My daughter, surprisingly, thanked me for asking her first and asked to read it before I submit it.  My son reminded me that he was no longer a teenager.  He likes to remind me that he is an adult. Or when he's home he reminds me that "I don't live here anymore."  That really grates on my nerves.  Maybe because it really makes me sad and reminds me just how fast time has gone.  Anyway, I told him that I will email him my blog before I submit it anyway.

Otherwise, the work on my book is going at a snails pace.  Some days I'll really be on a roll and able to bang out a chapter or two and then nothing for a week.  Maybe there's too many distractions at home.  I'm going to try working at the cottage over the long weekend we have coming up here in Canada.  Of course, I won't be there alone so we'll see how that goes.  What I should really do is go up there by myself but I have this nonsensical fear of long driving trips when I'm the one doing the driving.  I have gotten lost so many times, even just here in the city.  My kids bought me a GPS last Mother's Day. Maybe I should actually hook it up to my car!

So, back to the book. Self-publishing is probably the route I will have to go but I have no idea how to go about marketing it.  It was suggested that I simply start sending out query letters to agents and go from there.  Any comments about this would be greatly appreciated!

36 degrees

What a hot weekend! I think I can safely say that summer is here.  I haven't been able to write  single thing in two weeks (at least).  Partially due to the fact that I was having a lot of trouble breathing.  Normally I would have gone to the emergency room at the hospital where my transplant was performed.  But, it being the first weekend in July, I knew that here in Canada, July 1st is when all the residents graduate and July 2nd (for the most part) is when all the staff doctors go on vacation.  I wish I didn't know so much about our Health Care System.  Anyway, I made a proper appointment which involves bloodwork, a chest x-ray and a breathing test. After all this information is gathered the doctors sit down and review it and decide on a course of action.  I knew my breathing test was compromised.  For a woman of my size a normal test shows 2.0.  My tests have been 1.37 for the last several years.  Lousy, but consistently lousy.  Last week they were 0.8.  The docs determined that I have a respiratory infection and put me on a puffer and an anti-biotic.  That was Wednesday.  By Saturday I was walking around the Art Museum with my husband and later that same day, through the "cool" downtown neighbourhood my son is living in this summer as we went in search of food.  I hope that by the end of the week I will be exercising and writing more of my book!

A Better Week

Last weekend my husband and I escaped to the family cottage which no one else was using at the time.  The weather was gorgeous, a true summer day.  We lounged around and watched some movie on Netflicks at night.  Sunday came all too soon and we came home, back to our routine.  My routine changes daily so I guess I don't really have one.  Since both my kids drive I don't have to get up, get dressed and I drive them to school or work or really anywhere.  Although I have to admit I gave up getting dressed to take them to school long ago.  I slept in sweatpants and a sweatshirt so for me it was just a matter of a face and hand wash and brushing my teeth.  I did this all so I could grab an extra twenty minutes of sleep.

So, back to my lack of routine.  It basically depends on how I am feeling that day or if I have a headache.  I talk a lot about my aches and pains and pills and doctors' appointments here.  I feel like I am sounding like a little old lady.  I'm going to try to stop doing that.  Please remind me in your comments if I relapse.  I found a guy who does something called Sacrotranscranial massage.  It's like acupuncture but using his hands instead of needles.  I think it may be working. Who knows?  Trying to stay motivated to work on my memoir is my ultimate goal.  I did finish another chapter this week too, so that's something.  Cheers!

Peace and Quiet

Last Thursday my husband and daughter went to NYC for a few days. My son is living downtown for the summer, close to his job so it was just me and our dog.  I slept in and stayed up late. Ate dinner at 9 p.m. and watched movies.  I didn't do any work on my book, "Breathe" which was what I had planned to do but I couldn't resist the peace and quiet that I had to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  Of course, by Saturday night I was ready for them to come home but I have to admit, it was lovely.  Do any of you ever get and enjoy this luxury? And if so, how do you spend that time? I would love to hear from you!

Family

Last Sunday was a beautiful day as our family celebrated my in-laws' 60th wedding anniversary.  A party with all their children, grandchildren and great-grandchild as well as many of their friends.  Had a chef preparing fresh crepes, a beautiful buffet brunch and a three tiered cake, each tier circled with old pictures of them and their growing family (yes, you could eat the pictures!).  We all stood outside in the sunshine for pictures as well.  We are a family of 21 and get together every Friday for the Sabbath meal at my in-law's house.  Not everyone is always there but we always have a substantial crowd.  My MIL does all the cooking herself.  At 79 years of age, it is what keeps her going, she says.  She also happens to be a fantastic cook.  You know, the kind of person who likes to read recipe books instead of novels.  She says cooking is her hobby.  (So the opposite of me!).  When she isn't doing that, she takes my father-in-law to all of his dr's. appointments and me to mine.  I really have no idea what I would do without this woman in my life.  She is my mom and also my friend.  She has taught me how to raise my kids so that they will be close as well as how to be a mother-in-law myself someday.  Happy Anniversary to two of the best people I know.

Little blue pills

These headaches are consuming me.  The prescription I have for oxycontin only works some of the time.  Usually I can get about three or four hours out of it.  In that time I try to work on my book, tidy up the house, spend time with my daughter who is home for the summer, get some errands done.  I have given up on meeting friends for lunch because I can't commit.  My husband loves to entertain but we haven't had people over in months, except for family, and his weekly Thursday night scotch drinking doesn't count, apparently.  I always go and say hello to his friends but I basically stay in our bedroom, writing or watching TV.  I am aware that I keep writing about the pain I am in but a blog is a place for one to say what they're feeling or thinking about.

Every Sunday night I make a list of everything I need to do during the week and the day I'm supposed to do it.  I have to admit I don't always make it to the end of the list.  Does any one finish their "to do" lists?  I doubt it.  If I think that way it makes it easier for me to realize I may not get to the end of the list. I'd love to hear your comments on this.

Finally, it looks like summer!

When I drank my morning coffee this morning outside while our dog roamed around the yard I finally felt the heat on my face, slight humidity in the air. As I said previously, it's difficult to write a lot while my head is constantly throbbing but hopefully summer will be better. I have an appointment with a neurologist coming up, I have to admit I'm scared he'll find "something".  I also have to visit my eye doctor.  The headaches have seeped into my right eye, a sign of glaucoma. Just what I need, one more thing. Happy to be alive but not happy with the quality of life.  Oy, I don't mean to be such a downer.  It's a beautiful day and I think I'll grab another cup of coffee and go and sit outside to drink it.

It Hurts

I only wrote three pages today. My head is killing me. One of the side effects of the anti-rejection drugs I am on is loss of bone density. The right side of my neck and shoulders have been compromised. I wake up with a headache every single day. I have tried multiple methods of pain relief. I have been on oxycontin for a year but I hate to take it. Maybe the neurologist that I will see in June will have some answers.

A summer Sunday

Both of my kids are home for the summer from their respective universities.  This was the first year since 1993 that there weren't any children in the house. "Empty Nest Syndrome!" Ahhhh! It took a long time to get used to. We were only using our bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and living room. I was only running the dishwasher once a week, grocery shopping once a week as well. And our house was sooo clean. We kind of gave up cooking and had to make a real effort to get back to it since we were pretty much snacking our way through the evenings. Now that they are back, it is another adjustment. However, having them around now that they are both, essentially, adults and good company, I may add, I don't look forward to September when they will, once again, leave the nest.

My first blog

So, here it goes, my first blog. I am writing a memoir about my experience as a lung transplant patient. I will share the joys, struggles and emotions that this project evokes as well as everyday occurrences if I think they are "blog worthy". Thanks for reading and keep doing so!