Still the hardest chapter

I have gone over the chapter I have written about my parents role in my illness and recovery.  I have also spoken to a close friend in Edmonton whose mother is very good friends with mine.  Her advice echoed my sister-in-law's. "Don't try to start a relationship, you'll just be disappointed." Next I called my friend whose husband and mine have been best friends since they were 12 years old.  This woman, even though she is in her mid-forties, is probably one of the wisest people I know.  She says, "Fuck the email. Call her. Try to establish a relationship with her again. Because I know you. I know you think about your parents a lot.  It is also an excellent example for your kids. They will see that you are the bigger person, that, no matter what, family is family."  This advice I find very difficult to take.  First of all, my kids have grown up in a family that is now 21 people.  But when they were growing up, there were 7 cousins, 3 sets of uncles and aunties and their grandparents.  We eat together at least once a week. As they were growing up, before they started going to university (the eldest is 31 now and my daughter, at 19 is the youngest) we rented a cottage for the last two weeks in August.  A huge cottage where we all lived together. The kids did everything together.  As they got older we rented 2 smaller cottages, one for the adults and one for them.  If one of the kids was mis-behaving and neither of his or her parents were there at the moment, an auntie or an uncle had every right to punish them.  As we ate every meal together for 14 days, sometimes one of the kids or one of us would bring up something we were struggling with. Whether it was being nervous about going to high school or one of us starting a new job, opinions were sought at that table.

Today, two of my nephews are married and I am also proud to be a great aunt our first great-grandchild. My kids are the youngest but they come home from school at random, just so that they can go to their grandmother's house for a meal because they knew that is where their cousins will be.  My daughter is coming home in three weeks for a visit.  She's actually coming home a day early so that she can take her baby cousin to her music class.  So what I'm trying to get at here is my kids know the meaning of family.  Me trying to rectify things with my own mother won't change that.

The hardest chapter so far

I have been working on my book steadily and just completed what was the most difficult chapter thus far.  It's about my parents' role in my illness.  I don't want to give away too much but suffice it to say that they essentially abandoned me two years before my surgery.  I need to back and add more to it but to tell you the truth, I am dreading it.  I got my mother's current email address from my brother recently but have done nothing with it.  Should I just warn her that I am writing this memoir and she and my father don't come off looking well, to say the least.  Or do I want to re-establish a relationship with her?  I speak mostly of my mother because I don't think my father wipes his ass without her permission.  I want to talk to my brother more about this before I email her but when I sat down with my sister-in-law (who is more like a sister) she told me that if I do decide to try to re-establish a relationship with her I will probably, at the very least, be disappointed by her sometime in the future. But her true feelings are that my parents are not worth it, that their behaviour was disgusting. And this comes from a woman who never stays angry with anyone. Ever.  The fact remains that scarcely a day goes by that I don't think about my mother.  The fact that I am sad that we don't have a relationship and that she wasn't there to see my kids grow up.  I also have a few choice words for her that have nothing to do with me but reiterate her character.  Do I include that as well?  Right now I just don't know.

I am very embarrassed that it's been so long since I've written here.  It's kind of been one thing after another.  Jewish Holidays, a bout of the flu.  Also just plain laziness.  The other night my husband and I were lying in bed, it was about 2:30 in the morning and neither of us could sleep.  He whispered to me "I hate this.  No kids in the house.  It's too quiet." The funny part is he is whispering this to me even though we are the only two people in the house.  There must be something about being in the dark that makes us whisper.  "I didn't like it last year and I like it even less this year."  Maybe that's part of my issue as well.

Also, too much time feeling sorry for myself as I can't get past the chapter it's time to write about my parents.  Everyone thinks that because it's been 17 years since we've spoken that I'm over it but it's not true.  I think about my mother every day.  I'm going to try to write this afternoon.  Let's hope I'm telling you the truth.

Back to school!

First of all, I am proud to say that I have completed the first third (or so) of my book and am actively seeking an agent.  (If you are an agent reading this, please contact me!)

My kids are all done with their summer jobs and back at home for a few days before they go back to their respective schools.  Their stuff is everywhere and my OCD is flaring up but I'm trying to keep it under control and not be a nag. After all, once they leave I will miss this chaos (?).  I will go back to seriously focusing on my writing after the Labour Day weekend.  I have set deadlines for myself in the past but that doesn't seem to work for me.  However, if someone is expecting a piece from me that is a deadline that I always meet.

So amidst the sadness that I know I will feel once the kids the kids are gone, tied with the happiness that they are where they need to be and pursuing what they want out of life, my time will be spent fulfilling my own dream of becoming a published writer.

Cheers!

Looking at fall

I can't believe we are nearly in the middle of August.  This summer has gone by so fast.  And I have not written nearly as much as I planned to of my Memoir.  Once the kids go back to school I will have to become more disiplined ( definitely spelt that wrong)  .  I need to schedule a couple of hours into every day devoted to writing.  I have to get back to exercising and try to make more time for my friends.

I have always felt like fall, going back to school, is the beginning of a new year.  Could be because that is when we Jews celebrate our New Year.  I do "fall cleaning" and set goals.  I have learned not to set too many because there is no way I'm going to get to them all.  Maybe writing them here for all to see will make me become more motivated.

My life with teenagers and other stuff

So I have the opportunity to write a blog about raising teenagers for a "Mommy site".  My husband told me to ask if they minded before I went ahead (something that didn't even cross my mind).  My daughter, surprisingly, thanked me for asking her first and asked to read it before I submit it.  My son reminded me that he was no longer a teenager.  He likes to remind me that he is an adult. Or when he's home he reminds me that "I don't live here anymore."  That really grates on my nerves.  Maybe because it really makes me sad and reminds me just how fast time has gone.  Anyway, I told him that I will email him my blog before I submit it anyway.

Otherwise, the work on my book is going at a snails pace.  Some days I'll really be on a roll and able to bang out a chapter or two and then nothing for a week.  Maybe there's too many distractions at home.  I'm going to try working at the cottage over the long weekend we have coming up here in Canada.  Of course, I won't be there alone so we'll see how that goes.  What I should really do is go up there by myself but I have this nonsensical fear of long driving trips when I'm the one doing the driving.  I have gotten lost so many times, even just here in the city.  My kids bought me a GPS last Mother's Day. Maybe I should actually hook it up to my car!

So, back to the book. Self-publishing is probably the route I will have to go but I have no idea how to go about marketing it.  It was suggested that I simply start sending out query letters to agents and go from there.  Any comments about this would be greatly appreciated!

36 degrees

What a hot weekend! I think I can safely say that summer is here.  I haven't been able to write  single thing in two weeks (at least).  Partially due to the fact that I was having a lot of trouble breathing.  Normally I would have gone to the emergency room at the hospital where my transplant was performed.  But, it being the first weekend in July, I knew that here in Canada, July 1st is when all the residents graduate and July 2nd (for the most part) is when all the staff doctors go on vacation.  I wish I didn't know so much about our Health Care System.  Anyway, I made a proper appointment which involves bloodwork, a chest x-ray and a breathing test. After all this information is gathered the doctors sit down and review it and decide on a course of action.  I knew my breathing test was compromised.  For a woman of my size a normal test shows 2.0.  My tests have been 1.37 for the last several years.  Lousy, but consistently lousy.  Last week they were 0.8.  The docs determined that I have a respiratory infection and put me on a puffer and an anti-biotic.  That was Wednesday.  By Saturday I was walking around the Art Museum with my husband and later that same day, through the "cool" downtown neighbourhood my son is living in this summer as we went in search of food.  I hope that by the end of the week I will be exercising and writing more of my book!